Don't wear Outfits

This past Sunday, I took the opportunity to see some PGA golfers play at the Honda Classic in West Palm Beach. I thought, hey, whats more relaxing than watching golf on a beautiful course on a Sunday afternoon? Nothing, right? Well, I was only half right, because it's hard to relax when your surrounded by assholes.

I want to preface this by saying that I like golf. I played on my high school team and I think it's a fun sport. However, anyone that says playing is relaxing is flat out lying. There is nothing relaxing about slicing a ball 100 yards out of bounds. And, the next time I swing and miss on my tee shot, it will probably result in me killing someone with a golf club. And I'm not even going to touch on the fact that besides tennis, there is not a more white elitist sport in America.

This leads me to my first point about being surrounded by assholes on Sunday. What is it about attending a golf tournament that makes grown men dress up like gay sailors? I'm not lying when I say that every man I saw was dressed in some alternate color(pink,turquoise,bright yellow) polo shirt, docker slacks, a 'Ping' visor and loafers. Let me just say, there is nothing inherently wrong with wearing one or even two of those things at the same time, but never all of them together and never to a golf match. Because you should one: never plan an 'outfit' for going to a sporting event, and two: don't wear what the athletes are wearing. It's the equivalent of me rolling up to a FAU football game in cleats, shoulder pads and a helmet. I would look ridiculous, right? Exactly. So why would it to be OK for you to wear a golfer costume to the Honda Classic?

Secondly, why does every man at the golf course feel the need to smoke cigars? Ever since the Soprano's hit it big, every man in their 40s feels the need to smoke. Like that makes you cool, or tough. The actual result is that you look like a poser who has no clue how to be original. Not to mention that everyone knows that cigars are a phallic symbol, which makes smoking them so funny and yet so wrong on many levels.

The women at this event were no better, all dressed like slutty sorority girls (I'm not implying that all sorority girls are slutty, I'm saying that these hags were dressed like a slutty one would). Anyways, you know the outfit: a tight argyle sweater and tight Capri pants. Now obviously I wouldn't have a problem with that if it wasn't women over 40 stuffing themselves into their clothes like meat into a sausage. Add the fact that they are all sloppy drunk and would literally make out with anyone who is unfortunate enough to make eye contact with them. Again, normally it would be great to be in this atmosphere, but not when the women are chalk full of collagen and smell of moth balls. It becomes sad and pathetic that these women are trying to pick up yuppie men who all dress up as if their mothers made them wear it. And, not to mention, reek of cigars. The only exception to these sad women were the extremely hot XM satellite sales girls whose uniforms were basically form fitting wet suits, which I had no problem with. What that had to do with selling radios I don't know and I don't care. So I spent most of my day attempting to hit on them by making them laugh at my jokes of the people at the event. But, as usual, that got me no digits. So that didn't help my mood much, nothing as relaxing as getting shot down.

As the day went on and the spectators got drunker, I realized that golf tournaments have become the baby boomer's version of Bonaroo. Think about it, a lot of the fans traveled to see the event. Instead of sleeping in the dirt under a tent, they spend thousands of dollars on a hotel room. In both cases, you spend most of your day outside, drinking and hanging out, waiting for your favorite golfer (or act) to appear.

I'll end this with suggesting that if you do get a chance to go to a PGA golf event, try it. Most people are not as judgemental as I am, and if it wasn't for the people around me, I, too, would have enjoyed the beautiful course and fun events.