Life of a Intern

4:00- Humiliated by my class project that was ripped to shreds by a gaggle of retarded primates, AKA, my classmates. You know something is of piss poor quality when worthless FAU students have something to say about it. Actually I take that back. The one thing they do well is complain and nitpick other people's work.

5:45- Get a call from my boss asking where I am. See, I’ve been stuck in traffic for the past hour in what I can only assume is a rain cloud that is following me around today. I believe this because everyone I’ve talked to in South Florida is dry as Dennis Miller. Anyways, my boss then has to wait for me, so I can pick up my press pass for another exciting Panthers game.

7:17- Freezing my ass off, and wondering if the Panthers organization is trying to kill off all the media by only feeding them popcorn and bad coffee. Nevertheless I’m eating and drinking it. I’m going to miserable later. Nothing my stomach loves more than caffeine, sugar, milk and salt.

7:33- Informed by the giant floating T.V. that Chris Gratton has played in 1,000 as of tonight, the interesting part was the highlight film was only that of him fighting. Does he do anything else or is that his job? I’m now confused. Isn’t this something that should be done after the game? Nothing gets hockey players pumped up like a awkward exchange of gifts between coach and players. Chris got a watch and a hockey stick for Jacque Martin.

7:40- 1st I’m reminded of my hatred of the PA guy, all he does is scream into a microphone and get paid, and he couldn’t look any more ridiculous, wearing a hockey jersey and 2 earrings that does nothing for his image. Secondly, why do I have to hear the national anthem for Canada? I understand that Ottawa is a town, but really, I don’t want to stand for 20 minutes while we go through National Anthems for every country. The only people who cared on the Ottawa team were Canadians. If were going to sing for them, why not every country in the NHL? Why even play the games? Lets just sing!

7:43- That was quick, after almost giving up a goal in the first 10 seconds of the game, Eddy Belfour allowed a shot by Patrick Eaves slip by giving the Senators a 1-0 lead. That goals marks the 11th that Ottawa has scored against the Panthers in the past 3 games, and this one’s still going. If your keeping score at home the Panthers have 0 goals in past 3 games, Senators 11. LETS GO CATS!

7:55 Greatest Day ever, I remembered that Steve informed me that I can watch NCAA tournament action on my computer, so now I get to watch a sport I truly love…College Basketball. Although I’ve found myself watching the Panthers on T.V. Which is depressing because I don’t have time in my life for another sport.

8:03 “Just got the bump to bang you, keep you erect,” are the exact words of Billy Packer. It' strange hearing those while your watching something else. Tonight we are going to find out if my theory that the closer you are to home the more likely you are to win. I’ve picked my entire NCAA tournament on this theory, though Wisconsin decided to just not give the ball to Alando Tucker and lose their game in Chi-town.

8:12-I was just informed that Acie Law goes both ways, oh and by the way the first period is over with and the Cats are trailing 1-0. Now I have to watch an idiot in a panther costume ride around on a 4-wheeler on the ice. God I hate PR, he is now sliding across the ice with the song “rollin” by Limp Bizkit playing. Somebody please shoot him in the face.

8:37- So bored, dear God can someone score a goal, or can this god awful internet halftime show end. I have no idea who any of these people are, I think the host is in one of my classes. Goal by…the Senators its now 2-0 this game and 12-0 over the past 3.

8:42-Make that 3-0 and 13-0 after a goal by Deny Heatley of Ottawa. Is it me or is Eddy Belfour a little too old to be playing in like. …wait hold on a old school NHL Hockey for Sega, fight just broke out, I mean they tossed their sticks helmets and gloves just like the game and went at it. So funny when that happens because it's so sterile the refs cleared out of the way to let them fight. Until someone really lands a good punch, then they get involved. FYI: Steve Montador of the Panthers was the one who got tossed to the ice.

9:00-After the Panthers allow another quick goal by Dean McAmmond, I make friends with the German reporter next to me. A truly interesting guy who informed me about how much better Europe is than America. That was not his intention, it just became obvious. Oh and the Panthers scored 2 worthless goals while we were talking, one by Jozef Stumpel and the other by Oli Jolkinen. So the updated score is Senators 4 Panthers 2 with 6 min left.

9:47- Apparently Memphis coach John Calipari paid off the refs, because I don’t know how the hell that 1 second ran off the clock on the inbounds pass but that’s the NCAA tournament.


10:00- Off to the locker room for another round of riveting interviews with the Panthers. It’s not they are bad quotes, but after you lose a game, how excited are you? And there locker room smells so bad my eyes water the whole time in there, so it looks like I’m upset the Cats lost.

10:20- Finally going home, I’ve got to cut sound, walk Flash, and get to play a little 2k7, that’s the life of a intern/student. Exciting eh?

Questionable

It seems like everyday a new NFL player has commited some wildly violent act and I don't know about you, but it is really starting to wear on me. I know that football is an agressive sport and you need to have a 'alpha personality' but really these guys to chill out a little. This past season 9 different Bengels were arrested, some of them multiple times. WR Kelly Washington was arrested for 'brandinshing a gun', he was id'ed because he was wearing his own jearsy. Maurice Clairette was arrested with a bottle of vodka and a handgun on the passenger seat. Bears DB Rickey Manning jr was arrested in Los Angeles after beating up a man outside of a Denny's restaraunt. DE Patrick Kearny admitted that his house is now a crime seen after a rape took place at his home. Not only that but these men are facing no reprecutions, Kelly Washinton has signed a new deal with the Pats, Patrick Kearny with the Seahawks, Rickey Manning jr had signed a deal with Bears days before his incident.

And most recently Dolphins Joey Porter who was involed in a beating Sunday night where Levi Jones of the Bengles was allegedly beaten up and robbed by 7 men in Porters crew . Joey Porter has, in the past few years, been shot in the ass and his dogs attacked and killed a miniture horse. So next time your rooting for your beloved Dolphins remember who's really out there. Below is lead's for storys across the country about some of the off this seasons off season incidents



Tank Johnson -The Bears defensive lineman was arrested and charged with aggravated assault and resisting arrest.Johnson was arrested near the Level night club around 3:45am when an officer attempted to issue a citation to Johnson because a limo he'd hired was obstructing traffic. Johnson said what are probably the words least likely thing to get you out of a ticket when he informed the cop, "You ain't the only one with a Glock. If it wasn't for your gun and your badge, I'd kick your ass."

Adam "Pac Man" Jones- Police seized $81,020 in cash belonging to Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones, money they said sparked a melee and a triple shooting at a strip club over the weekend, court documents show.Jones was showering more than 40 strippers onstage at Minxx Gentlemen's Club & Lounge with the cash "intended as a visual effect," according to a search warrant. But a scuffle broke out when the Houston promoter who hired the strippers told them to pick the money up.

Joey Porter-LAS VEGAS -- Miami Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter was accused of punching Cincinnati Bengals offensive lineman Levi Jones after police said the players exchanged trash talk at a casino blackjack table.

Porter was issued a summons on a misdemeanor battery charge after the Sunday altercation that began inside the Palms hotel-casino,

Madness I tell Ya, Madness

Since this is my blog your going to get my March Madness Predictions, even though I'm very egocentric and really only care about what I think. It would be interesting to see if any of my readers can do better than myself on the whole March Madness thing so please Post your Final 4 teams and your champion in the comments section. If you beat me I can offer you nothing in the form of prizes, but I will reveal the winners name and if you give me a bio I'll post that too in my blog after the tournament. The deadline is this upcoming Monday (3/19)so you even get an advantage over me because I'll post my picks before the tournament starts. Good Luck, because if I win I will spend my next blog making fun of all of you.

OK here is the moment you've all been waiting for, it is my Final Four Picks. Now if your wondering who at FAU should I listen to about March Madness, rest easy its me. No other person at this school has been writing about college basketball and sports for the universitypressonline.com longer than me. Also if you doubt my ability I'm the only prognosticator at FAU who has a radio show dedicated to his picks, well my co-host give their opinions also.(If all goes well, the show should be running on this website today or tomorrow). Anyways no more delays my Final Four teams.

Wisconsin- I know I'm going to be accused of rooting for my home state team, but I have logic behind my pick. Wisconsin has only lost 5 games all year, and 2 of those were to number 1 seed Ohio State. The Badgers have a veteran team who has a coach in Bo Ryan who has won at every school he has been at and its only a matter of time before he wins the whole thing. Now it won't be this year but the Badgers will be able to impose their tempo in a Final Four tournament run.

Ohio State- Yes, 2 Big Ten teams make the Final Four, but before you call me crazy it's happened in recent history when Mich St. and Wisc. both made the Final Four during State's latest championship season. Anyways, For obvious reason O.S.U. is here with one of the best player in the country in Greg Oden,the Buckeye's will be tough to beat.

Now for the Championship Game

Kansas- Bill Self knows how to coach, he has gone deep in the tournament before with Illinois. Now he has the talent to match his coaching ability, the Jayhawks have 5 players in double figure points and have Brandon Rusch, and Julian Wright 2 of the better players in the country.

G-Town- John Thompson, Patrick Ewing, no this isn't a flash back to the 80's but son's of 80's basketball icons will be leading this team. Don't sleep on the Hoya's who feature Big-East 1st teamers Roy Hibbert and Jeff Green, those 2 big bodies will help the Hoyas get past the Buckeye's but the dream run will end with a loss to Kanas

74-69
Right it down take a picture, just make sure to ignore all other FAU prognosticators

Don't wear Outfits

This past Sunday, I took the opportunity to see some PGA golfers play at the Honda Classic in West Palm Beach. I thought, hey, whats more relaxing than watching golf on a beautiful course on a Sunday afternoon? Nothing, right? Well, I was only half right, because it's hard to relax when your surrounded by assholes.

I want to preface this by saying that I like golf. I played on my high school team and I think it's a fun sport. However, anyone that says playing is relaxing is flat out lying. There is nothing relaxing about slicing a ball 100 yards out of bounds. And, the next time I swing and miss on my tee shot, it will probably result in me killing someone with a golf club. And I'm not even going to touch on the fact that besides tennis, there is not a more white elitist sport in America.

This leads me to my first point about being surrounded by assholes on Sunday. What is it about attending a golf tournament that makes grown men dress up like gay sailors? I'm not lying when I say that every man I saw was dressed in some alternate color(pink,turquoise,bright yellow) polo shirt, docker slacks, a 'Ping' visor and loafers. Let me just say, there is nothing inherently wrong with wearing one or even two of those things at the same time, but never all of them together and never to a golf match. Because you should one: never plan an 'outfit' for going to a sporting event, and two: don't wear what the athletes are wearing. It's the equivalent of me rolling up to a FAU football game in cleats, shoulder pads and a helmet. I would look ridiculous, right? Exactly. So why would it to be OK for you to wear a golfer costume to the Honda Classic?

Secondly, why does every man at the golf course feel the need to smoke cigars? Ever since the Soprano's hit it big, every man in their 40s feels the need to smoke. Like that makes you cool, or tough. The actual result is that you look like a poser who has no clue how to be original. Not to mention that everyone knows that cigars are a phallic symbol, which makes smoking them so funny and yet so wrong on many levels.

The women at this event were no better, all dressed like slutty sorority girls (I'm not implying that all sorority girls are slutty, I'm saying that these hags were dressed like a slutty one would). Anyways, you know the outfit: a tight argyle sweater and tight Capri pants. Now obviously I wouldn't have a problem with that if it wasn't women over 40 stuffing themselves into their clothes like meat into a sausage. Add the fact that they are all sloppy drunk and would literally make out with anyone who is unfortunate enough to make eye contact with them. Again, normally it would be great to be in this atmosphere, but not when the women are chalk full of collagen and smell of moth balls. It becomes sad and pathetic that these women are trying to pick up yuppie men who all dress up as if their mothers made them wear it. And, not to mention, reek of cigars. The only exception to these sad women were the extremely hot XM satellite sales girls whose uniforms were basically form fitting wet suits, which I had no problem with. What that had to do with selling radios I don't know and I don't care. So I spent most of my day attempting to hit on them by making them laugh at my jokes of the people at the event. But, as usual, that got me no digits. So that didn't help my mood much, nothing as relaxing as getting shot down.

As the day went on and the spectators got drunker, I realized that golf tournaments have become the baby boomer's version of Bonaroo. Think about it, a lot of the fans traveled to see the event. Instead of sleeping in the dirt under a tent, they spend thousands of dollars on a hotel room. In both cases, you spend most of your day outside, drinking and hanging out, waiting for your favorite golfer (or act) to appear.

I'll end this with suggesting that if you do get a chance to go to a PGA golf event, try it. Most people are not as judgemental as I am, and if it wasn't for the people around me, I, too, would have enjoyed the beautiful course and fun events.